Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
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Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.