DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
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Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.