I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
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[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
DOOO EEEET
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968