surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
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A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.