Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
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[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Kids today don鈥檛 know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
You can’t make this shit up 馃槱
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I鈥檓 still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.