[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
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Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..