Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
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My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
no one ever comes back
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?