Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
You Might Also Like
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
What a website
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to