My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
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One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Ah..makes sense now
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?