Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
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Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
“You’d better run, egg!”
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
birds and squirrels envy us
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”