The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
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Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
happy friday
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX