Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
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If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
(2022)
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.