me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
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Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board