If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
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figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.