Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
*weighs self after shaving
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”