No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
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me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
We are the people our parents warned us about.