Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
You Might Also Like
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴