Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
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[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Something Saturday.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.