*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
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[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness