[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
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There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.