Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
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When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Sorry not sorry.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.