How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
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Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear