I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
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My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
crying
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird