If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
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Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.