if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
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I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Friday
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
How to properly lift a body
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.