*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
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I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.