ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
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My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.