Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
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As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
#Caturday
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat