[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
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Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.