“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
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The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
🤣dope
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.