How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
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Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Geez man, take it easy.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
estão todos miauvindo?
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.