Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
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Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
LMAO
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.