Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
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People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.