A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
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You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
New comic up. “Ransom”
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis