Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
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[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
#Caturday
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Alexa: *deep breath*
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that