Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
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Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
They’re called werewolves.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.