[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
You Might Also Like
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
be careful
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.