Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
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The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Webb. James Webb.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that