“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
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Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Whisper out to librarians!
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW