me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
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A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.