#DesignFail
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Ummm
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner