You Might Also Like
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Finally! 😈
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
My purse is deeper than some people.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest