[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
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All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
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My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.