If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
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You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?