I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
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[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
shit, they caught us—run!!!
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.