I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
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The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
scares
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
#gardening