{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
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They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts