I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
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Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never