Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
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Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.