The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
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Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…